Are you a controlling mum or a connecting mum?
Let me start by wishing everyone a very happy new year and new decade. I have been a little overwhelmed lately and nothing has come up from this particular category of MOTHERHOOD. I hope 2020 will favour all mums both new and old, and everyone too.
Most times I tend to look at how we do things like mums and how it affects our kids. Well, it is true that whenever found in a position of authority, a lot seems to happen consciously or unconsciously. And that is to say, the fact that we are the superiors and want everything to happen just like we want it.
Permit me to admit that I am equally guilty sometimes when I stand my ground and want it done a certain way or my own way. But really, you can’t help but do it like that sometimes. Because just that you want to be just, you can’t let things go wrong.
The bottom line here is, to always give a chance for more connection than controlling. When you are connected, there will be more understanding, and when there’s understanding there’s love, tolerance, and easy forgiveness. Then things will flow naturally rather than being impulsive on each other.
You may be wondering what’s the forgiveness for? Have you never come across a child that never forgives his or her mother for making them go through a situation without much of their consent? If you have or haven’t, just have it at the back of your mind that it does happened.
And oftentimes children don’t seem to voice out when they are being controlled or dominated. In an African context, the parent is so always right and therefore it is my own way or never. And at that time you don’t know the damage you are causing to the child. Some may decide to start confiding in their friends, and we all know what peer influence/pressure can do and its dangers.
When you really want to assess yourself to know if you are being controlling, reflect back to such moments, when you don’t listen, you just don’t pay attention to your kids opinion on certain things that seem to matter a lot, be it food, the kind of clothing they want, what kind of beverage they want or at what time do they want a particular thing then you are being controlling and the only way to stop is by reviewing on the above mention post.
How then can you stop being a controlling mum?
If you really want to stop being controlling, you need to start being more interactive than imposing involve, in the decision making, throw it out to them to make the choice while you serve as a counselor, then everyone will be happy.
Each time before going to bed I always ask my children what are we having for breakfast tomorrow? Then after breakfast ill ask again what are we cooking for lunch? You’ll be amazed what each will say?
But how we often arrive at what we all want is:
1. We put into consideration the availability of what we want
2. How many people are interested in that particular food? And if there’s an objection from someone how do we balance it.
3. We make adjustments or rather compensation that is if the majority want the same thing and maybe just one person has a contrary opinion. Because I get that a lot in my house.
Finally, you create an enabling environment for everyone by carrying them along and giving them a sense of belonging.
More importantly, learn to read expression believe me you’ll know when you are being oppressive than impressive.
So which one are you? The controlling mum or the connecting one? Let me know what you think.